Myths are the stories we tell ourselves. They seem to be just “out there,” floating around in our culture. We see them reinforced in popular culture and often we don’t really question them. They become the stories we live by. I find it helpful to examine what’s out there and what we believe about our anger because oftentimes this can either block our way, or lead us down a wrong path. Much worse, we often use these myths to justify our behavior. In this post I will examine some common myths about anger. I will also give you a way to examine your own direct experience and see how the committee in your mind works against you when it comes to anger.
The first myth is that anger is inherited and thus it cannot be changed. It is just the way I am. Sometimes we hear that anger is instinctual or just in our genes. Anger is something we need to survive, and we are hard wired for it. This relates to another myth we will get to later. It is important to know, or at least tell yourself when this comes up in your mind, that it is just not so. People are not born with set ways of expressing anger. There is no anger gene as far as we can determine. Humans survive more on cooperation and nurturing than on aggression. It is pretty well established now that a lot of our behavior is learned, which is empowering. This means you are playing an active role in shaping your world, and, you can change! You can learn a different way of reacting to the difficult, unwanted feelings that lead to anger.
The second myth we want to sort of debunk here is that anger automatically leads to aggression. This is a misconception. This why we call it “anger management” because it is possible to have frustration, and even anger, but not have it lead to aggressive behavior. This is an important distinction to make between frustration, and, anger which are emotions and the aggressive behavior that one acts out. This is where we will start making some of our first interventions for ourselves.
The third myth I believe relates very closely to the first and that is that we need to be aggressive to get what we want. People often tell me that if they give up on their anger they will be a doormat. They will typically come up with some extreme scenario like what if you are being robbed or threatened. I believe that if you are honest with yourself you will find that most of the time when you get angry this is not the case. For the most part anger and aggression do more harm than good. We end up not getting our needs met and usually end up harming the people we care about most. What you will learn through your journey is a much healthier way of expressing your self. Being assertive is not being aggressive and I teach this on two levels. Even if this is true and people are really taking things from you, your anger and aggression play right into their hands. Under the influence of anger you say stupid things, you look ugly, you act out of impulse, the problem becomes you and you fail to truly protect yourself. Sometimes it is good to remind yourself that if you wrestle with a pig, you are both going to get dirty, and, only the pig will like it.
Another myth that is out there about anger is that if you do not express your anger it will build up and you will explode. That venting anger is beneficial. I remember when I was a kid my parents would tell me if I was angry at my sister I should go and hit the punching bag we had in the garage. Sometimes this myth is attributed to psychologists who used to believe that catharsis was a goal of treatment. They would have their patients hit a pillow with a tennis racquet or some such. However, this is not even a good understanding of what the intervention was intended to do. The catharsis was not letting out the anger, but that the patient through this process would eventually get to the sadness behind that anger and experience this. More modern research has shown that when we act out anger, we usually just get better at it. We get good at the things that we practice. So now we are going to practice something different and see our old behavior as something that really is beneath us today.
The other story that we tell ourselves about anger is that our anger is caused by others. They had it coming. I am not denying that other people can be annoying, frustrating, and even cruel at times. However, our response to this, our anger and our behavior is a choice. We may be unconscious of this choice because it has become such a fixed way that we react to our own feelings, however it is still a choice. Thankfully, you can learn to make better choices. You can take back your power, your dignity and your honor, and not be blown around by the winds of the world. You do not have to go around feeding on everyone else’s garbage, feeding on the words that others spit out. As we advance we will start to find much better food for the mind … some nice, clean, clear, cool water too!
As promised I want to give you an exercise to draw out some of the stories your own mind is using to justify anger. I call it “drawing a line in the sand.” The exercise here is to grab a pen and some paper, find a comfortable, quiet place and sit. You can calm yourself down a bit by just breathing comfortably and focusing your awareness on your breath. Now, draw a line in the sand and tell yourself “I am never getting angry ever again.” Then just be very quiet and listen to what your mind comes up with. At first it may come up with nothing, but, don’t be fooled. Your mind has been feeding on anger and now it sees that you are taking away its junk food. Your anger monster’s first defense might be to pretend it isn’t there. Just be calm, and, draw your line in the sand. “I am never getting angry ever again.” Then just be quiet, chances are if anger is the habitual way that you have learned to deal with feeling trapped, sad, helpless or abandoned some of these myths will start to come out. People will walk all over me. They had it coming. Well I am just like my dad … write these down and get familiar with them, and when they come up you can create some simple true statements to counter them. For instance you can tell yourself, “yeah, I did learn some of this from my dad, but I make my own choices today. I want to copy his good qualities and not pass this on to my kids.” Or, “this is not the way I am, it’s what I am doing, and, I choose to never get angry ever again.”
We are going to draw another line in the sand later when we talk about cognitive cues.
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