In my last post we learned about the stories we tell ourselves about our anger and how they can be harmful. We also developed a little wisdom, by making a distinction between our emotions and our behavior, our anger and frustration, and our aggression. We also learned an intervention to “draw a line in the sand” to draw out some of the ways we justify our behavior. It is important to note that through this practice we can pull the covers on our anger monster, it does not mean that we will never get angry again. People, me and you included, are human and we will make mistakes. This is OK. The important thing as men is that when we do make mistakes we are first and foremost honest with ourselves. If we then justify our behavior we are simply deluding ourselves and setting ourselves up for more of the same. If we beat ourselves up over our mistakes, essentially becoming angry at ourselves, we need to recognize that this too is not helpful. Beating up on yourself is a futile game. We simply cannot change by being harsh with ourselves. If you are doing this, you need to recognize that this too is the voice of your anger monster. If you make a mistake and lose your cool, and, then turn on yourself with undue harshness, “I’m such a loser …” you need to recognize that the upshot of this argument is that you may as well give up … you fail at everything … why even try to change … you’ll most likely mess this up to … it all just feeds the anger beast. Most importantly being harsh with yourself blocks your ability to understand yourself. Changing your behavior is a journey of self discovery. It is difficult. It takes courage and it requires that you meet yourself with good will, and, compassion. When we drop all our justifications, we can see that our anger is a reaction to deeper emotions and needs that we have. Usually things like helplessness, being abandoned, feeling trapped, not getting what we want, or being treated unfairly. Once we can see these distinctions, pre-anger feelings, anger, aggressive behavior, we can start to learn from our mistakes. We start to own our reactions to these difficult emotions. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this concept is presented as response-ability (Eifert et. al., 2006). This is a helpful way to look at it. We are not responsible for the things others say and do, but, we can start to take care of ourselves and own our reactions to these emotions. We can empower ourselves. We can provide true protection to ourselves and the world. It is in this space where we can start to open up to possibilities and use our ingenuity to change how we relate to ourselves and others.
So now we have developed some wisdom by discerning the difference between our emotions and our behavior. We developed some honesty, and, along with this can now start to be true to ourselves, a quality called integrity. OK … for all of this we are going to need to develop some awareness. So I want to give you some tools. The first of which is a slow motion camera. Find a comfortable quiet place and sit. Grab a pen and paper if you want to have by your side. It is important to give yourself some space and time for this. Sit comfortably and simply focus your attention on your breath, ask yourself some questions about the breathing, get interested in it, where do you feel it? Is it calm? Is it comfortable? Give yourself some time. Then just call to mind the last time you lost your cool, the last time you got mad, and, use your slo mo camera … what was your day like? What was going on for you? What were you feeling before this happened? See if you can identify the emotions that led up to your behavior … see it all like a slow motion replay in a football game … chances are you will come up with some feelings that happened before you lost your temper … feeling trapped, feeling helpless are big ones … damned if I do, damned if I don’t, same old bullshit … she didn’t care … they won’t listen … These feelings may have come up for you earlier in the day, then you got in your car and raged. They may have come up for you at work and you came home and took it out on the kids. So roll the tape, roll the camera back. You may start to feel sad about this, and, this is OK. Tell yourself it is OK, and for now just be with those feelings. Ask yourself, what do I need for myself right right now? As men, we have learned to split those parts off from ourselves. We learned to protect ourselves with our anger. If you are getting in touch with that now it is OK … Sometimes as men we need to give ourselves some time and space to mourn, to grieve and this is healthy. You may have difficulty identifying these pre-anger feelings and that is OK too. It is normal. You haven’t been in touch with this. Give it some time and keep up with the practice.
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photo credit: Geoff Scott